Chai With Priya Goodbye from afar

When we think of long-distance relationships, we are conditioned to think of a romantic relationship at best, or a friendship.

Whether it’s a relationship that is in its first throes and blooming or that has run its course, there is not much notice given to relationships of another sort.

Then there are relationships where a whole part of your family lives in another country, has a whole other life, and your lives briefly intertwine when you meet each other after several years.

But other than that they are simply a person over the phone, someone brought up in conversation, and thought about fleetingly on important days such as birthdays, Diwali and on New Years.
There are many of us in the Gibraltarian community who have family living on the Rock, but also have generations of family members who live thousands of miles away.

For our immigrant parents, they hold on to the place that they grew up in, their parents, their siblings, their best friends and childhood memories which belong to another world altogether.
The connections they have with faraway family members is completely different to ours.

I remember the once-a-week phone calls my mum would have with my Nani, where she would have to call the neighbour’s house because my Nani didn’t have a phone installed until many years later.

I remember my mum reading letters upon letters she received in the Sindhi script, where in return she would send photographs of all of us to her loved ones which they would proudly have on display in their respective living rooms.

I also remember visits to India where my mum and dad would pick up these connections where they last left them, whereas I always felt like I had to restart the connection from square one.
It is easier nowadays to maintain a connection with WhatsApp and Instagram and Facebook and all the other social media apps.

But it still hits hard when someone who lives 7,500 kilometres from you passes away.

At first there’s a feeling of disbelief, of helplessness, and then the grief starts to seep in slowly and sometimes you don’t get that closure until many, many years later.

The first time I experienced this was when my Nani passed away in 2004, and it was years before I truly grieved her loss.

The most recent was 10 days ago when my aunty passed away, and more than 20 years later the experience has not been any easier.

It is very different to experiencing the loss of a loved one who lived locally.

There are similarities, like talking about your loss with your parents, siblings and those close to you, remembering the good times, the funny quirks of the person, memories your parents have with them.

But simply having that distance dilutes that connection just a little bit.

It was only during the inevitable first trip to India after my Nani’s death, where I really felt that loss, and there was that gut-wrenching wave of grief that hit me because the reality is I will never see her sitting in her balcony again.

My family who live in India were able to mourn her at the time of her death, and went through all the rituals and funeral traditions that give you the spiritual support to accept the loss and grieve properly.

Having been absent for that, it’s only on arrival so many years later that I was able to deal with my grief and gain closure from the loss.

Writing in Psychology Today, Dr Karen Stollznow said grieving the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but “the challenge can intensify when distance prevents physical presence”.

“Researchers sometimes refer to this as transnational death, the experience of managing grief and bereavement from a distance, separated not only from the loved one who has passed but also from family, friends, and the meaningful places connected to one’s country of origin,” she said.

She adds that geographical distance can complicate grieving in many ways, presenting emotional, physical and practical obstacles. People may experience intense guilt or sadness at not being present for their loved one’s death or they mourn the absence of important rituals such as funerals or handling personal mementos.

She recommends starting an online memorial to honour the loved one and seeking professional help in order to process the loss.

“It’s essential to remember that grieving is a process, not something that can be rushed. Allowing oneself to feel and express emotions, and finding closure at one’s own pace, are key steps toward healing,” she said.

“Recovering from transnational grief is undeniably hard, but it is possible, and with support, many people find their way not only to healing but also to personal growth.”